How to Get a Boyfriend for Two Months

 Please note that the only thing in dating that I’m qualified to give advice about is how to score a man for two months. I’ve had an abundance of two-month relationships over the course of my life (think somewhere along the lines of 15-20). And, well, I’m pretty damn good at it. Note, this isn’t a blog post about “How to get married” or even “How to get a boyfriend longer than 2 months”… just for two months. I’m not qualified to address any other sort of relationship. So if someone wants to blog about either of the above titles, let me know, and I’ll subscribe to your blog immediately.

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(1) Be honest. But don’t be too honest.  

This is the premise of the rest of my blog post. It factors in to each of the follow 3 pieces of advice. Always keep this in mind!

(2) Really prepare the first time he visits your place.

The first time I visit a date’s place and the first time he visits mine is a monumental occasion in any of my two-month relationships.

The bachelorette pad.

The woman-cave of single life.

If I take a close look around my lived-in, single-lady rented, girlie apartment, there are a few things that would scare off almost any man. Here’s where I need to factor in #1 on my list: be honest, but not too honest.

To demonstrate how one might prepare for the boyfriend’s first viewing of the Single Lady Love Shack, follow me through the 2 hours I spent preparing today for such an event. Last night, I stayed in and spent my time eating a pint of ice cream, chocolate brownies straight from the pan without a knife or fork (I just dig in), drinking some wine, while crying mercilessly to round 14 of The Notebook. This morning my living room had the remains of brownies, used-tissues softly decorating the floor, and a partially-drank wine bottle with one single wine glass. It is important for a man to never see these remains. I took that brownie pan and washed it.  Picked up the Kleenexes and put them in the BOTTOM of the trash can (No one likes a girl who cries way too easily). I sadly and longingly dumped out the remainder of the wine to hide all of the evidence that I was drinking wine alone on a Saturday night (Sounds kind of depressing, but it was actually awesome. I do what I want.) With all signs that I’m an overly-emotional lush removed from view I went on to the next task.

Now the bathroom is a particularly important place to focus efforts. One thing is that girls never lift up the toilet seat, but your date mostly will on his first visit to your place. I make sure to think about that. Next, I hide all evidence of me not being naturally beautiful. Put away the teeth whitener (my teeth are naturally white!), the make up (my face is naturally beautiful and colorful!), the 3 curling irons, hair dryers and volumizing spray (my hair volumizes itself!). I also remove tampons and pads from out of sight since this can confuse certain men.

Next is the kitchen. I like comfort food, but I want my date to think I’m extraordinarily healthy. This is why I put all of my chocolate, cookies, brownies, and candy bars to the back of the top shelf of the cupboard. I replace these with fresh fruits and vegetables.

For good measure, I do a quick cleaning of the entire apartments, spray some air freshener all around and haphazardly place my running shoes, yoga mat, and gym membership in a noticeable place.

(3) Keep in the crazy. Don’t be so weird.

At least not right away.

If you have to let out some crazy, do so slowly and intentionally.

I’m certain that everyone is just a little bit crazy. Some more than others. Here are a few examples of dates that I’ve been on that didn’t make it to two months because my date didn’t know to keep in the crazy:

---The guy who talked about how foot care was so important to him that he owned his own foot lotions, foot bath machine (wait, what?), callous removers for the feet and nail care products. Dumped.

---The guy who lectured me for 20 minutes on how females get high levels of prolactin that cause rampant emotional changes. The only way females can get rid of these high levels of prolactin is by crying. Hence, women need to cry more than men. Keep your weird conspiracy theories about women’s tears to yourself! Dumped.

           

I’m a little weird too. I have an abnormal obsession with warthogs (they’re just so cute and loveable!) When I’m feeling sad, I go on an internet missions to find cute pictures of Asian babies with basset hounds (the two cutest things on the planet… well besides wart hogs… but finding wart hogs and Asian babies is basically an impossible task and I don’t like to set myself up for failure.)

Another weird thing that plagues me is that I have gross med school-inflicted concerns. We learn about horrible, and sometimes gross diseases, and at some point in a med student career, we’re bound to think that we have at least one of those diseases. This important to hide from your date. I thought I had a gross disease involving worms the other day. As I was getting pretty comfortable with my current boyfriend, I thought maybe I should bounce this idea off of him to see what he think. But thankfully, I thought to myself “Liz, keep in that crazy! Don’t be so weird!” And I told my med school friend about it instead, effectively saving my relationship. Within the next 24 hours, my imaginary symptoms of this worm infection went away. Turns out, I was actually worm-free!  

So yeah, I can be weird, but I know not to let any of those things out on the first 10 dates. I need him to see and like my normal side first, and then slowly throw in a weird thing or two. At that time, he probably won’t dump me, since now he knows that my positive characteristics overshadows those few weird things.

But if he reacts strongly and says, “What?! You’re serious? That’s really, really crazy weird.”

Then I just say, “Hahah… no I’m obviously just kidding. It’s honestly weird that you would think I was serious. Who would really think/ do/ say that? It’s a joke. “

And then I compliment his arm muscles causing him to get distracted in a moment of manly self-worshipping.

(4) Little omissions never hurt anyone.

Over the past 3 years, I’ve been a very busy medical student who pays a lot of money for my education and who chooses not to learn how to cook. In the beginning of relationships, since I can’t be too honest, I often have to pretend I am a free-time loving, super chill, really don’t have that much to do medical student who can cook without killing myself or others. (At least until he loves me). I therefore am careful to omit information involving

A. Having free time

B. Finances

C. Being able to cook

Let me give an example of a date that involved all 3 omissions.

This one guy I dated often took the time to make me wonderful home-cooked meals pretty often. I was super busy on a surgery rotation. Since the ratio of the number of times he cooked for me to the number of times that I cooked for him was now 6:0, I guiltily thought I should invite him over for a pretend Liz-made-meal. Since I was too busy to cook, and I didn’t want to make time to cook, I just stopped at Noodles and Company on my way home from the hospital. I put the meal into my own dishes and went to the effort of walking outside to the dumpster to dispose of any Noodles and Company labeled packaging. Believe it or not, he really loved the pasta I made!

During dinner, I omitted a few things. Here are a few strategies that help one omit:

--Distracting him by giving compliments

--Being intentionally vague

--Saying that “I feel uncomfortable” even if it doesn’t make conceptual sense.

Here is how this plays out:

Him: So how many hours are you working this week?

(I’m really working 14 hours/day then studying)

Me: Oh, nothing I can’t handle… You know what I just noticed? How your blue shirt really makes your blue eyes stand out! That’s so cool.

Him: (blushes) I’ve been told that my eyes change depending on what shirt I’m wearing.

Me: No way! That’s so interesting.

Or…

Him: So I’ve been worried about my $30,000 loans from college. Do you ever get nervous about your loans from college/ MPH/ med school?

(Heck yeah, I think about how far into debt I am all the time)

Me: I feel uncomfortable.
Him: Oh no! So this pasta was delicious. What sorts of things do you like to cook? 
Me: I still feel uncomfortable.

Him: Oh! I'm so sorry. Let’s just change the subject then. Tell me about your day.

This might come as a surprise to most of you, but I’m often the one doing the dumping after two months. Of course, I’ve been tenderly escorted to Dumpsville my fair share of times, but more often than not, I’m the privileged escort. (Uh, well, you know what I mean.)

There are some circulating theories about reasons why my relationships don’t last. One is that I sabotage things when they get too serious. Another is that I choose to date people just because it entertains me (which to a certain extent is true, I dated an extraordinarily rich guy for like 2 months since I thought all his rich mannerism were funny; I dated a bald motorcycle riding tough guy with pitbulls for 2 months since it made me feel badass for like the first time ever.) A final theory is that I’m just too cool.

Oh wait, no one has ever said that last one.

Improving yourself.

And that's what I love most about life... You can always learn new things. Become stronger. Think more positively. Develop new skills. Run faster. Give back more often. Hate less. Love more.

In some way, your new self can always be better than your old self.

The Glorious Week of Dating Bald Men

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Finding a boyfriend is awfully challenging. Recently, it seems like finding someone with whom I have great chemistry is nearly impossible. I sometimes feel like I’m on that old TV show called “Next!” I go out on a date and just want to say, “Next, please!” And the times I want to say, “Ok, you can stay” they are simultaneously saying, “Next!” Someday, perhaps, the stars will align.

I’ve been on a bunch of unsuccessful dates lately. From the rich doctor who was so into himself he seemed to forget I existed. Or the guy who talked about his car like it was as precious as a small child.  Or the super hot and successful guy who found anything that resembled commitment to be scarier than a haunted house. I’ve analyzed why I wasn’t interested in dating these men, and while there are various reasons I’ve found one strong factor that they all have in common: a full head of hair.

Now if you know me well, you’ll know I have a slight inclination towards dating prematurely balding men. Some of you (ok, all of you) think this is a little weird. But, humor me, while I list reasons why they are indeed the best type of men to date.

In general, prematurely balding men are super attractive, but just don’t know it. Losing hair early can be a little traumatic to young men and they have the potential to lose a small amount of confidence in their physical beauty. This creates the desired characteristic of being slightly humbled. And then, they struggle, and finally decide to shave off all their hair. In addition to be extremely sexy, a shaved head is an outward sign of embracing life’s challenges and making the best out of what they are given. Humble and able to conquer adversity. I’m also convinced that prematurely balding men have more testosterone. (Testosterone, well actually dihydrotestosterone, is one mechanism that can lead to hair loss.) They are therefore just exude MANLINESS. Plus, their head just feels awesome.

I meet about half the guys I go out on dates with randomly. The other half I meet on an online dating site. Since dating men with a full head of hair has been problematic to me recently, I decided to do a search for “bald” men on said dating site. Low and behold I found a handful of sexy, successful and interesting bald men. I have four dates lined up in the coming week.

So wish me luck, friends, as I solve the problems associated with man hair and spend the week dating this rare and often under-appreciated breed of men! Amen.

Provider Empathy and Angry Patients

Our patient looked at us with anger, resentment and defiance. His voice overpowered our own when he yelled, “I just need to get out of this hospital. No one else has ever kept me in the hospital and I will never f***ing stay here again. Take out this IV now. I’m leaving. I will not sign your f***ing paperwork.” We tried to reason and compromise with our patient. We explained the benefits of staying in the hospital and the potential risks of leaving the hospital before we found the source of his infection. Any explanation seemed to enrage the patient further. He quickly unbuttoned his gown and threw it to the side. Sitting now in just jeans, he tried to determine how to remove his own IV so he could leave as quickly as possible.

Empathy is a useful skill for a healthcare provider and is defined as “engaged curiosity about another’s particular emotional perspective.” Research has shown that it can lead to better therapeutic outcomes and patient adherence to medications because empathy enhances trust between patient and provider. Additionally, patients’ are more likely to share information with providers who are emotionally present. It is easier for providers to be empathetic when patients are compliant, well mannered and kind. Negative emotions, such as anger and frustration, spread quickly from person-to-person and lead to deterioration of empathy and increased emotional distance between providers and patients.

While difficult, it is important for providers to empathize with patients who are displaying negative emotions. Providers should analyze the patients’ potential reasoning for their negative emotion. This subsequently leads to increase in helping behavior by the providers, which reduces overall anger and increases the therapeutic impact. This display of empathy can allow physicians to uncover patients’ unspoken panic, angst and suffering.

Jodi Halpern, in her article entitled “Empathy and Patient-Physician Conflict” describes a method that physicians can use to increase their empathy when the patient is exhibiting negative emotions. The first step is recognizing one’s own emotion by cultivating self-awareness. Additionally, over time providers should reflect on these emotions and the meaning that these feelings have on their life and the life of the patient. Providers should then make a conscious effort to find the patients’ nonverbal emotional messages implicit in their anger. Finally, and often most difficult, providers should be receptive to the patients’ negative feedback. This feedback should be accepted without defense. The deferment of our defensive impulses to blame or anger provides a gateway to increased empathy.

Dr. Halpern’s framework can be applied to our patient. My first reaction to our patient’s angry outburst and medical noncompliance was frustration. The patient clearly needed additional medical attention that he was not willing to receive. Since negative emotions are highly transmissible affects, my increased frustration likely escalated his anger. The patient had multiple reasons to act upset. From his history, he clearly suffered from abuse during his childhood. He reported smoking a pack of cigarettes per day beginning at age seven. At age 22, he had no teeth because infection and rotting made it necessary for a dentist to pull out all his teeth. Even these two facts make it apparent that parents were not present to encourage good behaviors, but they likely fostered an environment filled with vices and a blatant disregard for their child’s health or his general wellbeing. The patient also reports that he and his mother were over $65,000 in debt and this hospitalization would further contribute to their financial problems. The patient’s basis for his current anger was probably rooted in an upbringing where health was a low priority and financial problems caused family disputes and increased stress. The combination of these reasons likely contributed to his decision to leave the hospital against medical advice. Finally, I should accept this patient’s negative feedback and use it as a reminder to be aware of how social factors and suffering affect patients’ current emotional state. If I am cognizant, I can use empathy to at least partially offset patients’ negative emotions. 

Reference

Halpern, Jodi. Empathy and Patient-Physician Conflicts. Society of General Internal Medicine. 22:696-700. 2006.

Connections of Love Lasts the Longest

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I walked into Brad’s hospital room to see how his night went. Brad was a 59-year-old male with severe Alzheimer’s disease who had recently suffered from a new-onset seizure. He now had an altered mental status and was confused, delirious and agitated.

He rolled around in bed restlessly. His arms had bruises imprinted on their side from his flailing arms hitting the sides of the bed. His hands were covered with white padded mittens to prevent him from pulling out his feeding tube and lines. He wore a diaper because he was incontinent. A red rash caused from a side effect of a new anti-seizure medication covered the side of his face, his chest and the left side of one leg. Blankets were crumbled up on one side of the bed. He thrashed, he thrashed, and he thrashed.

“Brad!” I started, “It’s Liz, the med student.” I decided first to assess orientation. “What’s your name?” His eyes were partly closed. He rolled to one side, then the other. Mumbling constantly. He finally stated through his mumbling that his name was Brad. I stated that this was correct and asked for his last name. Brad mumbled some more, unable to answer. He wasn’t able to speak in complete sentences and did not know where he was or the year.

Then I asked, “Brad, can you tell me your wife’s name?” Brad halted. He immediately stopped rolling and looked off into the distance. The sounds of Brad restless movements were replaced by silence. Pure silence. Brad’s agitated face slowly relaxed. His gasping breath became calm. He looked at me briefly, rolled over, and stated, “It’s Caitlin Miller. And I love her.” A moment of clarity. In a brain that was slowly succumbing to Alzheimer’s disease. In a brain that had been acutely altered for days due to a seizure. In a confused person who is unable to identify his full name, location or the year. In that moment, he still knew love.

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I met another patient named Patty a few months ago. I was working at the neurology clinic and had the opportunity to see Patty on three separate occasions. Patty had been suffering for years from Huntington’s disease. Patty’s ability to move her muscles was becoming increasingly impaired. She sat stiff and hunched forward in a wheel chair, but her body often burst into uncontrollable jerking movements. The effect of this disease on her body resulted in abnormal facial expressions, difficulty chewing, swallowing and speaking. She required constant care and was accompanied by her home nurse.  She did not and could not speak to answer my questions. She just stared straight ahead, her body writhing uncontrollably, while her nurse did all the talking.

I took the interim history from the nurse. At one point, I asked about family in the area that might also be able to support Patty. The nurse explained that all family was out of the state and that they do occasionally communicate by sending pictures of Patty’s grandchildren. I reached over to touch Patty’s knee as I asked, “How are your grandchildren doing?” I looked at Patty’s face. A face that rarely showed emotion. A face that is losing the ability to express itself due to her disease. A face I’ve looked into for over two hours that always had remained expressionless.  The corners of her lips slowly inched upward. Her eyes softened and she glanced longingly ahead. And during a rare moment of clarity and understanding, she thought of her grandchildren, and smiled.

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I have an inkling. That in a brain being slowly overcome by disease, there are certain connections that remains intact the longest. As demonstrated by Brad and Patty, these connections, just might be, the ones of love.  

What I want to be when I grow up

I went into med school feeling really confident that I would be an Ob/Gyn. I loved reproductive health. I loved women's health. So then, I was all like...

But then, all these people were like... "What about work / life balance?" "Do you know how hard Ob/Gyn residents work?" "Did you know it's the specialty where the most people quit and change to another specialty?" "All the Ob/Gyn doctors that I know are fat and depressed." So then, I was all like....

Then people started telling me in graphic detail about all the smells, sounds and liquid and semi-solid fluids involved in the birthing process. Then I was all like...

 

 So then, I thought, maybe I should think about some other things that I enjoy. I did my pediatrics rotation. The kids were cute. We blew bubbles together. The girls and I talked about our favorite classes in school and our favorite princesses. So then I thought, maybe I should be a pediatrician! I was all like...

After contemplating peds for a few months, I realized that I just didn't feel passionate about the specialty. I liked all my rotations, but I didn't love any of them. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life, so I was all like...

Then as I was studying for my tests and performing clinical rotations, I thought about how I could open a free clinic for homeless women focusing on preventive women's health. I thought about how I could live in developing countries and teach about ob/gyn surgeries... or work on public health projects to increase access to family planning. I kept thinking and I was all like...

 

That made me happy. I have my Ob/ Gyn rotation in May and June. I'm nervous that I won't like it. So right now, I'm all like... 

But, please cross your fingers for me. That in a few months, I'll just be like....

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff

Advice I was given today:

When you get impatient/ mad/ angry/ upset/ annoyed etc. ask yourself, 

"Will this matter a year from now?"